A Mother’s Day Letter to Women on the Fertility Journey
First, I want to acknowledge that I see you, and I know your pain.
For two years, my husband and I went through multiple ectopic pregnancies, a year with no positive tests, and a miscarriage. Mother's day was not only a day that triggered grief, but a day where I was in a constant battle with jealousy, rage, and then guilt for feeling all these things.
Looking back on those years, I can still feel the intense pain radiating in my heart. The tears I did not share with others in my life and the unleashed anger my husband would try to support me through. If anything, now being a mother on the other side, I wish other women would have acknowledged my pain, would have been able to celebrate their family while still recognizing that I was a mom too. It was just that they never met my babies- the ones I lost, which was so very real to me.
So, I understand what a triggering day this can be. And it doesn't matter what your diagnosis is, if it is secondary infertility or if you are recovering after a loss. Mother's Day is the most dreaded day when you are on this journey.
So, as we prepare ourselves for this day (which other women in our life may not understand), I want to offer some thoughts to help you, so you don't have to just survive today, but rather that you can be in the moment, aware and feeling all the feels you need to feel as you need to feel them.
How to celebrate Mother's Day without your little one in your arms:
Talk about how you're feeling about this day with your partner and come up with a non-traditional way to celebrate the day.
Plant flowers in your backyard to remind yourself of how nurturing you are
Go on a weekend getaway somewhere that will nourish your spirit. Somewhere that will bring you more joy and than sadness.
Write a letter to your baby that is on its way and place it in a safe place so that you can re-read it once you become pregnant.
Give yourself permission to decline invitations to any Mother's Day events. You can say no, and if anyone's feelings are hurt, then that is for them to work through. You are making the best choice for yourself, and you don't have to explain why.
Make a Home Self Care kit….plan a day of bubble baths, face masks, maybe even have a massage therapist come to your home. Make this day about celebrating you and caring for you. Spoil yourself.
Allow yourself to cry and feel sadness. You have every right to feel your feelings. Take the time to acknowledge this can be a beautiful and sad day all at the same time.
My most important message to you is to nourish yourself. Ultimately mother's day is about celebrating the woman (or women) in your life that makes sacrifices for you daily, the person who loves you so deeply that they would do anything for you. So when you think of it that way, you are a Mother in this very special way. You dream of your little one in your arms, you can feel the joy and the excitement in your heart, and you would do anything to help this little soul you are seeking to come earth side to your arms. So, YES, you are a mother! You are the person who is sacrificing at this moment for them and every day until you meet them.
So, Happy Mother's Day to all the women still waiting for their little ones to arrive. I see you, and I am sending you a hug today.
(NOTE: This is a copy of an article that I wrote for the Modern Warrior Magazine that was published on May 1, 2021. This magazine is no longer in print but you can read the article by clicking here).
